I created this blog to serve as encouragement to others. What I haven’t confessed is this blog was also to aide in encouraging myself. To give myself hope for a future. That there was something still worth living for. Writing had become self-therapeutic in a way that temporarily alleviated any pain I’d be facing at the time. I’ve never put pen to paper on how I’ve truly felt throughout this summer up until now about when my ex-girlfriend and I went our separate ways. It tore me apart in ways I didn’t think I would ever get torn. I thought I had my life figured out. It took some time (4 months to be exact) for the “fog” to dissipate and for me to begin thinking clearly again. As I sit here writing this post, I’ve decided to be completely vulnerable as I try to turn a new page in my life. This is my testimony on how this event has caused me to crave wanting to be the best individual that I can for myself, God, and everyone around me.
The summer of 2018 has been a crazy rollercoaster ride for me and my emotions to say the least. I experienced emotions and feelings I never knew I had. Sadness for days, literal physical pain inside, and anxiety that would break even the most confident of individuals. I didn’t know where to begin when it first happened and the only thought on my mind was to win her back. I prayed every day for God to bring her back in my life. I talked about my feelings to just about anyone that would listen to me. I began to go to counseling for my anger. I was looking for any “quick fix” to be able to win her back. I just didn’t know how to handle the situation. As it began to become more and more clear that the possibility of getting back together was not going to happen, I began to fixate my anger towards God. I was so angry that God allowed this to happen. I understand that I needed to change the way I was as a person, but I couldn’t grasp the concept that things don’t always go the way that I want them to. Thankfully, over time, I began to take living my life for God seriously. That’s when things have started to progressively get better for me and I now have my life back on track.
Don’t get me wrong, some days are still bad. There are still times I wish that she would call, so I could just hear how her day is going. Or, if I’m having a bad day, I could give her a call just to get encouragement that she was so great at dishing out or giving her encouragement of my own. I miss making her happy and I miss having her as a part of my life. I don’t miss the concept of a girlfriend. I genuinely miss her as an individual and I loved who she was as a person. But, I’ve accepted that if she isn’t willing to fight through the bad times with me and wants nothing to do with me, then I’ll respect her decision. I understand relationships go both ways and I believe I truly have forgiven her for all the mistakes she had made, and I wish her nothing but the best. Life is going to happen and it’s all about how we react to it that matters most.
I’ve messed up more than I can count. Apologies could never fix some of the mistakes I made. I can only hope that she’ll be able to forgive me one day for everything wrong that I had done. There are so many things I wish I could go back and do over. There are things I did that haunt me, make me feel guilty, and were just plain stupid. A friend of mine recently told me something that has caused me to gradually get over my past mistakes: “to be human means to make mistakes. And people ruin good things all the time. It sucks but that’s the way you learn. If you don’t learn from this then it will all be wasted. Right now you have the opportunity to grow.”
I’ve learned so much over something I never thought would happen in my life. I am so thankful for all the memories and good times I shared with her. That’s something that I’ll cherish for a lifetime. I thought I had found “the one”, but I guess God loves to throw curveballs into our plans. I trust God’s plan for me even though it wasn’t what I was expecting. I know I have better days ahead waiting for me. I just need to be patient. I’m so thankful for the support system I had around me during this time. I honestly don’t think I’d be here if it wasn’t for my friends, family, and even strangers that showed me love when it mattered most. This is the last time that I want to discuss this matter and I feel ready to conquer whatever life throws my way next. It’s time to turn the page and become who God wants me to be.
- Love everyone the way God loves us. There are no excuses around this.
- Pray. God listens to those that believe in him.
- Live the life God blessed you with and never give up.